bottled liquid sunshine :)

2012-02-11T05:13:00.001-08:00

dearest blog,

midterms is finally overrrrrrrr!!!!!!!! alas, freedom!

anyways, valentines is nearing and everyone seems to be hyped up about it these days. well, i am a hopeless romantic, but i just don't see the point of getting all excited about valentines day. i mean that'll just be an excuse for guys to treat their girls like princesses for a day, and that's just stupid because girls should be treated like princesses everyday of the year! '(yeah, i copied that from a youtuber. haha!) well, that's just me anyway. I wouldn't know how couples would celebrate it, all mushy and cheesy and stuff.

my love like does not exist. haha! so, I'm spending valentines with my true love, FOOD. hey, im trying not to eat too much now. improvement? hmmm .we`ll see, we`ll see. :))

i love you everyday!

2012-02-04T05:05:00.001-08:00

i'll say this to myself.

Probably one the worst feelings ever is that feeling of losing fate in yourself. For a very long time now, I've been UP and DOWN. i don't know how to explain it, but i just get into these times that i just don't care about anything. I just eat and eat and eat. Even though i arrive at points that i want to puke already, i just can't stop eating. When i have problems, these cravings i have are triggered more. I'm aware of this, but i just keep on thinking that it'll all stop one day and i'll have normal eating habits. I wasn't very worried before because whenever i busy myself with school for a while or this new drama i'm watching, etc. the cravings go away but eventually, i slip back into the routine. Maybe this is why all the diets i've tried have all failed.

I don't want to run away anymore. I don't want to keep on thinking things will just be fine if i go on like this. I KNOW IT WON'T. i need to face this battle. I have an eating disorder and i need to change this. I'm not healthy . its showing in my weight, in my skin complexion and in my capacity to work everyday. i hate this. what's worst is that nobody's here to help me. My family is kinda away from me, right now. i wish somebody would tell me that it's gonna be ok, and i can get over this disorder i have. Right now, things are really looking bleak. It's almost tempting to try and be bulimic or anorexic. ahhh. But i know, that'll be another mistake. :/

what should i do now? i think, i should start by telling myself I LOVE YOU everyday. Maybe you'd think it funny if i say my mother hasn't told me those words, ever. My father did before, but when i hear him say that, it kinda registered to me as fake. after all, if he loved me, he would not have given me such a traumatic childhood. When his business went bankrupt, he should have thought about his starving family too. I hate recalling those times, those times when i would always be hungry and i can't ever complain because i know my parents had bigger problems than my empty stomach.

I love you everyday. I will learn to love myself more and more each day. Perhaps, with time i will be able to love myself enough to stop abusing myself. I will conquer this eating disorder.

2012-02-03T02:35:00.000-08:00

dearest blog,

i am officially screwed. Midterms are next week and I'm feeling like hell. I have a runny nose and slight fever because of this damned weather. It just rains and rains and rains! did i ever mention that i hate rain?! and gloomy weathers for that matter. :/ ucckk! i am so not in the mood to studyy.

spell CRAVING?!!

2012-01-29T04:41:00.000-08:00

yesterday`s happenin`s

2012-01-28T19:10:00.000-08:00

dearest blog,

goodmorning!

I could only use the PC this morning so, this blog entry is a bit late. I'll tell you all about yesterday which was one of the most amazing days ever! it started out with a stressful community immersion (because of a certain class BESTFRIEND), a cancelled shooting for a subject project and thennnn. CHEDENGG! invasion of privacy at friends' boarding house and endless gossiping+popcorn+TV+badminton+dinner+People's Park + RAINING= the best!

sounds fun right? :)

Actually, it was mandatory for our class to go to school yesterday, even though it was a saturday. It was for our community immersion at barangay Bucana. We have to finalize some things for our NSTP project which was for their Drainage System Improvement. The barangay really needs this; the place had this particular smell because of the dirty stagnant water around. at some points, the people had to put up big sand bags just to get through the knee-length dirty water. The main problem was that the garbages were clogging the canals in which the water should flow. This is our problem now, because we have to find the best solution. I'm kind of apprehensive because I think our budget won't make it. Well, we'll see how it goes.

P.S. it would have been OK if not for this one person who has to disrespect the barangay captain and make a spectacle out of herself. I personally think how that person acted gave the people there a not so good idea of ALL of us. shhzz.

moving on, after the small trip in Bucana we were supposed to continue our shooting for our Christology documentary. Too bad though, that it got cancelled because not everyone was present and I myself was late because I went home and changed my clothes. I called my friend and he said it's ok if I don't go too but I still did! first cause i was bored and second because i thought a little break would do me good. And so there, we invaded our friendS' boarding house. haha! it was so fun. after ransacking their stuff their were lots of pictures taken and popcorn, GOSSIPING and laughing!. its in these moment that you would realize how different a person is with the way you used to see them as. Secrets were spilled! I just love our bonding moments :) ... then after that we played badminton. it came as a surprise that my friend was actually very good at the game. lol. i used to think all he did was eat. (peacee!) then after that we decided to have dinner. PANCIT CANTON+RICE anyone? it tasted great, actually. maybe because i was enjoying it with my friends. :)

then the last part, strolling in people's park at 9 in the evening. there were still many people in the park at that time and it was also my first time there! HAHAHA. I'm lucky that my first time in that place was with my friends. The cherry on top of the yummyandhumangous sundae was the fountain display! we didn't know there would be one that night, so we OOEEHHHDD` and AHHHHDD` as the waters changed from blue to green then pink and made arches and changed directions. then, after the fountain display it started to rain!

the rain was almost a storm. haha! but we were still laughing and smiling as we sought shelter.

after a while, we decided to go home as we still had a zoology subject to worry about. after getting into a jeep, the rain started to pound more. I should have been scared actually, because the driver was a little old and the rain heavily stained the jeep's glasses. But no, idk. I just wasn't scared. I thought that night, the rain was beautiful. I felt that yesterday, real connections were made. In college, sometimes you get so busy that its hard to make time for a get together sometimes. I'm glad I gave myself a break yesterday, now I feel like studying!

and so, it ends here. Now i have to battle zoology200 and memorize all the origins, insertions and actions of every cat muscle. yes, EVERY freakin` cat muscle. so i have a lot of things to cheww right noww. :/ kbyee!

Thank You, Lord! :)

2012-01-21T03:59:00.001-08:00

hello prelim grades!

HAHAHA.

you have no idea how happy i was with that zool200 grade. I really, really really thought i was gonna fail. yez! :D and PS. PE, i just suck. oh well. that's lifee! can't be good at everything, right? nyways, this is just the PRELIMS, i have to do better with my PE and ZOOL and maintain the grades of my other subjects. oh yeah, lezdothizz!

congratulations!

2012-01-21T03:44:00.000-08:00

dearest blog,

today, i officially have 150 pesos in my JANSPORT BAG savings. yehey!! :D

My birthday is on March 21 and i plan to save up and buy a jansport bag to give to myself. things are really looking good, i i'm happy to add. :)

It nice too, because i'm learning how to budget wisely. I'm learning how to NOT buy things which aren't necessary. E.G. that chocolate shake, or those pocketbooks or those perfumes. So, it's nice, right? Hopefully, i wanna buy something like this here:

well, it's still a long way from a thousand+ but i hope i save enough. It would be soo nice to buy something for myself with money i saved. Plus, my birthday is actually the last day of our final exams, so it would be just SWEEETT to buy this bag for myself. :)

2012-01-21T02:55:00.000-08:00

dearest blog,

i just realized now that having no PC of your own really really sucks. I used to have one, and i was online then, 24/7 (seriously! i was sort of addicted). When my PC broke down - bless its soul - it was never the same again. It was fixed then and again but i couldn't use it without any thing coming up and blahblahblah. So, here i am sneaking into my brothers room and using his PC. the word is sneaking because, now i'm only able to use it because he's out partying and when i'm caught he won't be pleased. and that's an understatement!

What is it with big brothers and `don't touch my things attitude anyway? DUDE, we're like siblings. haven't you ever heard of the saying - SHARE YOUR BLESSINGS? i mean, come onn! i hate to think that my brother is one of those people whom misunderstand me. I feel like, he's thinking that if he lets me use his PC i'd abuse that. oh well.

anyways, with my meager time of being alive here i will soak up in fashion trends and editing and reading manga and watching dramas and everything i might think of. HAHA!

But mostly, my time will be consumed with scrolling down in lookbook. my goshh, whoever though of building this site is pure genius! genius i tell you! and some people may think the pictures there contain all model-like glamorous girls in great outfits, but there really are unique bloggers too that aren't tall and willowy and impossibly beautiful. I love seeing this. There are bloggers that are plus-sized and aren't ashamed of showing their fashion forwardness. For someone like me, -who has carried excess pounds all my life and being discriminated and finds it hard to find clothes i want to wear - it's nice knowing that some things may have changed and people are more open-minded now.

.

2012-01-16T04:21:00.000-08:00

dearest blog,

i will emote, thank you very much!

I know i'm supposed to ignore it, when I'm hated on and when people are uncomfortable in my presence. But, being slapped in the face with that so many times this day that I just feel so sad and empty. I'm trying my best, ok? I'm slowly destroying that big barrier i've placed around myself for many years now. It's not easy. I'm slowly learning to trust again and i don't want to give up. Please, give me a reason to not lose hope.

because tomorrow is monday.

2012-01-15T04:40:00.000-08:00

konbanwa! (:

second post here. hurrah! :D
Yesterday, i went to sleep at around 3am(because i was watching CITY HUNTER) and woke up to a very very cold and gloomy day. anyways, it was one of those really, really boring days wherein all you worry about is what you eat to ignore the boredom. Well, part of the reason that the day seemed to drag was because its a sunday and obviously tomorrow is gonna be MONDAY which means quizzes, reports and write ups. ha! I had to study 4 subjects. and yeahhhhhh i did study. sort of. i guess. a little? xD ohwell. im confident enough that i'll get a DECENT grade. soo, *smiles widely :D

This week is really gonna be a hectic one. For one, we're gonna start the week with the cat dissection. I have to memorize 96+ muscles of the cat, and i heard, we have to include the origin, insertion and action thingamajiga. Just thinking about it gives me a migraine! Its really a challenge since our teacher isn't the generous kind. Last prelims, all my other grades were 90 and above and one 87 and with this teacher's subject (zoology200) i got a friggin line of 7. but wait, no i wasn't disappointed! ... In fact, i was really jumping around the place - thankful that i even passed! and it was close to a line of 8. When i think about it, my first reaction is that i get irritated with teachers like that, but then i find myself liking her way of teaching because, i always make it a point to read NOW, study, understand, wonder, question - not just memorize.

So to summarize what i did today, i ate, procrastinated, finally read some stuff and then *voila! right now surfing the net. in my tabs are FB, tumblr and of course, blogspot.

One of the posts in my tumblr really caught my eye. its this:

and i was like. - UUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHMMMMMMM. yeahhhhhhhh ... like when was the last time i really tried to do something for the first time? frog dissection was long ago, bone/muscle memorizing isn't new. I tried dancing those dance steps in P.E. But well, i can't remember anything i tried for the first time that IT WAS ME whom wanted to do it, not because i HAD TO or because grades are at stake (i firmly believe that college is too costly to get bad grades).

This realization is not getting out of my hyperactive brain so we speak, and so i have come up with a new task to do, and that is to try many different things courageously. Be it eating something i've never eaten before or learning a new language (- actually right now I'm working on the Japanese language! thank you YOUTUBE!) or be engaged in sports.

Its my life's ambition to be doctor. I'm only in my first year preparatory course and i'm finding it manageable, but really hard. I have soo many years to go and If I think If the only thing i'll work hard on is that one goal, i will lose myself. Though I have dreams on becoming a doctor I believe that I should look at the different perspectives in which I am able to enrich myself. I still need a breather and look at the world with rainbow-stained eyes. Life is hard, but i have to persevere and be a better person everyday that God gives to me. (":

goodnight! oyasumi!

*sigh

2011-12-11T05:24:00.000-08:00

maybe i just need a break.

there's just this peculiar behavior with people sometimes that suffocate you, you know? i hate that feeling of restriction. When i interact with people face to face, i just don't know what to feel anymore. It's like everyone has branded me to be this certain person in their minds and I'm stuck to that. I hate it. Don't people know it's he worst feeling when they're assuming something about you, and decide you're THAT KIND OF PERSON. YOU WILL NEVER BE BETTER. well, my middle finger is almost trying to look those people in the face. But you know what, i don't even want to get mad anymore. I'll just have to live with all the shit those perfect people have to offer. anyway, they're not the ones who feed me, or give me money. They're the negative that will be one of the many obstacles i have to surpass.

So this is me, being optimistic.

YES. i will not give up!